literature

How Twilight should have Ended

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Not for the first time, I, Bella, was chagrined.

I had not seen Edward in over fifteen minutes, and already I was starting to feel his absence taking its toll on my frail Mary Sue body. I felt faint and breathless, completely vulnerable and helpless without him. As I walked through the parking lot of Forks High School to my clunky old truck that my lame and irritating father, Charlie, had bought for me, I tried to remember the last thing Edward had said to me. But all I remembered was that he had kissed me....

At that thought, my heart beat irregularly against my chest. I started to feel lightheaded, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a pair of cold, sparkling, marble-hard arms.

Edward chagrined at me with his crooked smile. I wondered briefly how this was possible, but then I realized that in the glorious presence of this perfect, godlike wonder, I didn't care much about bad writing techniques. So I chagrined back.

"What happened?" asked my beautiful, scintillating savior. "Did I dazzle you again without meaning to?"

"Of... of course not," I replied, hoping he wouldn't notice the chagrin in my eyes. "You weren't even with me."

"That's a good thing," he said. "I should really stay away from you. I'm very dangerous."

At this, panic welled up inside me like vomit. "D-don't leave me," I chagrined chagrinnily. "I love you."

"No!" he shouted. "This is all wrong! You shouldn't love me! I could kill you! And you'd taste delicious."

Needless to say, I couldn't bear the thought of dying. Since Edward is immortal, I would never be able to see him again if I died. The very thought was enough to make me start hyperventilating.

"But if you insist, I'll stay with you," Edward continued. "You're so irresistibly speshul that it's just impossible to stay away. And you smell good."

"You mean that?"

"Of course, my love. But tell me, what do you think of this place?"

For the first time, I tore my eyes away from his gorgeous, topaz ones and looked around. It was the same place in the forest that he had taken me when he had first revealed the secret of why he couldn't go out in the sunlight. The clearing looked as breathtaking as ever, but it was nothing compared to Edward's beauty, or to the seductive scent of his breath, which was blowing steadily on my face, making my mouth water in anticipation.  

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." I sighed nostalgically, drawing my face so close to his that I could see every single one of his dazzling nose hairs.

"And they both got eaten for breakfast."

I knew right away that it was not Edward who had spoken. The voice was much too harsh and... not beautiful. Edward spun around with such magnificent grace that it took my breath away. I, however, tripped over his foot, because even Mary Sues like me need character flaws like clumsiness to be believable, right?  

Cursing myself for looking like an undeserving fool in front of my glittering marble statue, I hid my chagrin and hastily stood up. I was staring straight into the deep, blood red eyes of a vampire I'd never seen before.

Or at least I thought he was a vampire. He didn't sparkle, and what kind of self-respecting vampire doesn't sparkle? And he was UGLEH, not at all HAWT like my beautiful diamond-skinned Edward. This new vampire's sharp, sparkle-less features widened into a grin as he noticed my fear and chagrin.

"What do you want?" Edward demanded. I sighed at the sound of his voice. I couldn't believe it wasn't an archangel standing here with me. "In case you were wondering, this is my Mary Sue. Mine, understand?" His voice dropped into a low growl. It was the loveliest sound I had ever heard.

"But don't you recognize me, Cullen? It's me, Mike. You know, one of those NERDS who was always drooling over Bella in school. Well guess what? I've come for Bella. Now that I've discovered your secret and become a meyerpire, she'll have no choice but to fall for me and play vampire baseball with me forever." His voice dripped with irony and chagrin. "I gotta admit, you were right about one thing, Cullen. Bella really does look tasty."

"Holy crow, Mike, how could you do this?" I asked, shocked. "I never even lead you on like I did with Jacob. I never even pretended I liked you. With you, I was totally straightforward about hating the very sight of you and was definitely not a total bitch at all. What could you possibly have against me and my gorgeous, sparkley, scintillating, breathtaking, flawless, godlike, shiny, perfect, lovely, dazzling, magnificent, graceful, glittering, cold, strong, beautiful, HAWT, angelic Eddikins?"

"Isn't it obvious, Bells? I'm here because our new author needed a semi-interesting plot twist. Which, actually, is quite an improvement from our last author. I hear she drove poor Plot to suicide."

"You're insane!" roared Edward. "Get out of here, Mike. I may not have the strength of a newborn meyerpire like you since I am awesome and don't eat humans, but the power of my fangirls' love for me and Stephenie Meyer's inability to make anything remotely tragic happen to Bella will surely drive me to a victory if this comes to a fight."

"Oh really?" Mike sneered. "In case you haven't heard, Stephenie Meyer isn't writing this story anymore. So stick that in your juicebox and suck it!"

And with that, he grabbed me with both hands, tore me from Edward's shining body, and slung me over his back. "Edward!" I screamed, powerless. "Save me!"

But Mike had already began to run, running with me on his back as swiftly (but not nearly as gracefully or HAWTly) as Edward once had with me through this very forest.  Within three seconds we were already so far away from the clearing that I could just barely hear Edward's angelic voice yelling, "You really should stay away from me, Bella! You'd be better off with Mike! I'm dangerous!"

I chagrined. I really hated it when he said that.
Just something I wrote last night when I was bored. I had fun at least. :D

Thanks everyone who commented and favorited
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Hillarious XD.